I had the craziest dream - and I am longing to go back.......I was at an orphanage and I was holding child after child. They were all happy and seemed well cared for. A man who spoke English came to me and took me to a wall with peep-holes in it and said I had to take a look and see what was REALLY going on. I cried and begged him and said I was already so overcome with emotion that I couldn't handle anymore at that moment. He then left and I was on my own...without a way to communicate with anyone. I desperately was looking for Evan and tried to pull his picture up on my phone to show to an older child, but his picture was no where to be found. It was night and I checked bed after bed after bed searching for Evan....praying he wasn't in that building with the peep holes.
When I woke I felt as if I was in a fog. I felt as though it wasn't a dream but that I had somehow been transported and I felt complete desperation to get back to the place I was before...but I knew that was not possible...so now I sit here feeling total desolation.
I know in my heart that he is ok and that he is being cared for in his orphanage...but it is still an orphanage and he is still an orphan with no mom or dad or crazy big sister.
Since October when we first found Evan on Reece's Rainbow, I have been consumed with thoughts of this adoption, with paperwork, with fundraising, and with chastising emotions that I am not doing enough - that I'm not good enough....and despair of not knowing what to do next. I am completely over-whelmed with how in the world we are going to be able to raise the funds needed to complete this adoption. I feel like a pest for the constant posts and requests for help. I feel like I am not living up to people's expectations on how I am handling this adoption....and yes I know, I shouldn't care what people think...but to people who are dear to me and have been involved in this process with me, I really do care! I want them to know how completely grateful I am for their support and contributions.
When we made the decision to proceed with the adoption, I promised Mundo that I would be able to raise the money...that God would provide. Deep down I still believe that, but if I am being honest here...I will admit that there are many times that I have felt completely alone and that this adoption is impossible. I have been in complete darkness and have seen the light only to have it snuffed out moments later. I know that my faith is being tested and that Satan is having a great time playing with my fears, my short-comings, my self esteem, and my relationship with God. However, what he really needs to know is that deep down I do have that light in me...I do believe Jesus Christ is my Savior and that he has sent me on a mission to find our son. I believe that with all of my heart!! I know that in times of darkness when I am feeling alone, I know that He is with me and that it is the world telling me that I'm a disappointment and that I've been given up on.
Perhaps my dream was God's way of fanning the fire in me - to show me deep down in my soul that I am longing for this little boy - and I need to get out of my pity-party stupor and just start doing something. So that's what I am going to do...I'm not sure what exactly that something is, but today I WILL cross something off of my adoption to-do-list. Then maybe tonight in my dreams I will be able to find my son and hold him in my arms.